"Hares": Loo Tenant, Second Loo Tenant, and little help from Betty Krapper
Box: Loo Tenant's (eww!)
Putting the crap in the loo worked perfectly. 2nd lootenant is alive and well, kicking but not screaming and enjoying breasts.
Shortly after I got home from work at 1am on Sunday, Lootenant stood up from bed looking at her pink wet panties and announced "My water has broken." She gathered her army, Betty Krapper and our two moms. We marched to the hospital where there was free coffee to make sure we were alert for hour mission. Lootenant scoffed at the contractions, joking inbetween them.
She struggled with the IV's and monitors. Nurses prodded and poked her and confined her to the birthing station.
Once the nurses were gone, Lootenant wanted to go into the bathroom to deliver the baby, she wanted to walk around. When the OBGYN showed up she said yes, you can go to the bathroom, but not to deliver the baby.
The blood pressure monitor squeezed her arm with all its might and she looked at it with despise. Lootenant directed her troops to gather around and hold her hand as she strained her neck muscles and ground her teeth. We all cheered.
7 hours later the contractions began to wear down Lootenant and her troops. Tears boiled from her eyes, she moaned and breathed only like a true baby maker can. The nurses explained that the contractions would only get stronger and she would be in labor for another 5 hours. So she summoned the miracle of modern medicine - the epidural!
Of course the balding, slow anesthesiologist showed up with only a giant starbucks coffee on top of the little red cabinet he wheeled in front of him. The needles were long and the contractions strong, but once the little thin wire was securely placed in her spine Lootenant was in control.
Betty Krapper sat in a captains chair at the corner of the room and barked orders: "Engage!", "Fire" and "Spock, give me a report!" That was between naps.
With the epidural and her troops at her side, 2nd lootenant took deep breaths, grabbed her legs and pushed. Her eyes squinted and 2nd Lootenant began to emerge.
A cloud of fear was hanging over the room as the nurses feared 2nd Lootenant had a chord wrapped around her neck (a common condition - 1 in 3). Every time she pushed, the baby's heart rate dropped.
When the OBGYN - Dr Ghondy came back she suited up with a full face mask, gloves and a tray full of tools. "Whats that for?" Lootenant wondered.
No one said anything. Dr Ghondy told Betty Krapper: "Don't touch my tools!"
Lootenant said, don't cut me if you don't have to.
Dr. Ghondy said with a smile on her face: "No I will cut you just for fun!"
With a final push 2nd Lootenants bloody head emerged and Dr Ghondy rolled the chord from over her head with ease. One more push and she flopped out into her arms. She cried and scored a full 9 on the APGAR scale.
Dr Ghondy pointed to 2nd Lootenant and how she was hanging on to the ambilical chord like it was a rope to repell from Mina's gaping you know what. Then she directed Betty Crapper (AKA Big Daddy) to use his powers (and her tools) to cut the chord - which he did graciously and with expert prowess.
Lootenant and 2nd lootenant are in perfect health, relaxing in the hospital. 2nd Lootenant has already learned to breast feed very well and they spend their time sleeping a lot. Lootenant and Betty Krapper walked around the hospital this morning reflecting on the greatest accomplishment of their lives.
Mr Candy Ass and Candy Ass sent us a shirt with "2nd Lootenant" on it!.
Thank you all for your support, we could have done it without you, but it wouldn't have been nearly as much fun and it would have been A LOT harder . . . especially for our two heros: Lootenant and 2nd in command.