Las Vegas Hash House Harriers

6.27.09

{Read to the sound of a small rabbit voice}

 So there I was; buckled-in, wearing a brand new red dress, and on the road to Cali! Boy was I excited! This was going to be my first out-of-town Hash with my new Hash Buddy Camel Toe Ya-Ho!, and his hot Hash Babe, "If the Jew Fits". This was also only my second Hash after "gett'n a little work done". Hey, it's Vegas... Everyone is doo'n it (more on this in a later Hash Trash).

 I have to admit, that I was a bit nervous about going back to California after being Hare-napped and held for ransom for SOOOOO LONGGGGGGG (honor to Hunka-Hunka for making the long trip to bring me home). My confidence was boosted by my knowledge of Camel Toe's careful planning and ingenuity, but more on that later.

 When we arrived at the RDR venue, I couldn't believe my eyes! So much Hashy goodness! Camel Toe spotted Picture Me Naked and Against The Grain right away. We were soon joined by Follows You Anus, UFC, Shitty Kitty Porn Porn, and Cream La Queefa, who (not surprisingly) seemed a bit drunk already. God I Love Her... We circulated and bumped into notoriously well known Hashers such as "I Love Fat chicks" (e.g., "Fatty") and "Here to Get Laid". God I Love Her... My nose-lift and ear tuck must have left an impression, because I was adored by many hot Harriets, who all wanted a picture with me. Several stroked my RED WOODY in a jealous manner. Boy, Camel Toe did an awesome job sculpting and painting that phallus. It's the best Hash necklace ever!

 It wasn't long before Space Available spotted us and came over to see what was up. His eyes lit up when he saw me, which was odd because I don't think that I have met him before. Space Available was soon "talking shit" to Camel Toe while fondling me in his loving arms. Space Available was bragging about how he stole the original LVH3 Flabongo and even dared to wave the genuine article in front of Camel Toes face! Camel Toe took it is stride, but I could see the gears turning... I have to admit that I'm a little embarrassed for LVH3. How can we let this offense stand? And for so long! I'm just say'n...

 So anyhow, Space Available (while stroking me more) started bragging about how good I would look in his house. Camel Toe just nodded and smiled, which seemed odd at first. Then I remembered a strange addition to my RDR ensemble. I had an "ah ha!" moment and gave out a little bunny chuckle. Space Available kept it up, bragging about how he would have me by the end of the night. For each brag, Camel Toe just chuckled and smiled, which seemed to only egg Space Available on even further. It was like he was doing it to Space Available on purpose. Finally, Space Available realized that he was not going to get to the Camel Toe at all and started paying more attention to me. Space Available then noticed a thin yellow cord near my feet. I heard him say "Hey, what's this" as he traced the cord from the new silver handles on my shoulders, down to my feet, then up, then around the Camel Toe's waist! Ha! You should have seen the look on Space's face when he realized that I was leashed-in and Rabbit-nap proof! It was awesome! Camel Toe gave out a good laugh, but didn't rub it in too bad. God I love that guy's girlfriend!

 We all then went over to the outdoor bar for a pre-beer. Now the San Diego RDR is legendary, and those guys put on a hell of a party, but one tap for 550 Hashers? I'm just say'n... The Camel Toe and The Jew gave up on the beer idea and moved away. This was almost my first disappointment with this pair, until I saw their back-up plan. SAKE!!! YES! The most excellent Moonstone Plum Sake, to share with the Vegas Hashers. Damn it was good! By this time, The Chocolate Count, Kracka, and the lovely Pre-Mature E-Wackulation had arrived. By the way Kracka made love to the bottle, I could tell he was enjoy'n. Hasher Jade was digg'n the Sake as well. God I love her. Rchard Pierce, Shitty Kitty Porn Porn and Hasher Annette all enjoyed the SAKE!. Oddly, Money Shot refused to take a shot in the mouth…

 With almost no preamble, On-On! was called and the pack was off. Camel Toe struggled to get me into my Snuglie-brand Hare-carrier so I could enjoy the trail. Soon I was strapped in (a strangely arousing sensation) and we were off! This trail was near Sea World and ran up to Pacific beach. What a great place to drink. The first check was Jello shots. Camel Toe must have forgot about me on his back, because he didn't even offer me one. From the way he was slurping 'em down, there didn't see to a shortage...( insensitive bastard). Camel Toe reconnected with The Jew, and even more Jello slurping ensued. I got to take pictures with many more cute Harriets. God I love Harriets.

 While on the second leg of the trail, Camel Toe noticed a Hasher in-Kilt. Of course, a conversation ensued. It turns out that the guy's name is Haggus Humper! LOL! He even had a real Scottish accent and everything. He looked so cool! Maybe I'll have a kilt some day...

 The second check was at a nice little banquet-hall/ house right off of the beach. The trail to the check took us past crowds of adoring fans, which rocked. How did they know about me? Hmmmm.

 The trail then followed the back alleys of Pacific Beach. Camel Toe and I wound up running for awhile with a dread-locked girl riding on a beach cruiser bike. We found her digging in the trash. She didn't seem desperate or hungry, I guess she was just curious about what people put in those things. She kept saying stuff like "you guys are fun, I dig your energy", so we had that going for us... and we ran on.

 The trail then ran us down the Pacific Beach waterfront at sunset. Wow, what a sight! We were cheered on by more adoring fans of mine. Many Hashers asked if I was the "Hash Shit"? I must not be, because Camel Toe kept introducing me as Hasher Red Woody! It was nice to get respect, and the crowd clearly approved.

 The third check was at a cool beachfront bar called Cains. Camel Toe got all excited when he saw that Peter Murphy was playing live the next night! Plans were made to attend (and later broken when it was revealed that the tix were $26 each, with a questionable start time and no drink specials...) :-( And then, back on trail to the party!

 As usual, the San Diego Hash put on a banger party. The food and the Hash Band rocked! The beer was flow'n HARD (they must have been saving it or something). Cream La Queefa and Pre-Wack rolled-in late. Apparently, they stopped to ride a roller-coaster after the last check. I was excited about the idea, but Camel tactfully pointed out my vertical challengedness and the whole height-restriction thing. Whatever!... !...!

 Our chowfest was soon joined by Kracka, who's gold-buttoned red sailor hat framed his chiseled features perfectly. Kracka seemed to be fixated on a 6 foot 6 inch tall GIANT of a body-builder dude at the next table. The GIANT was picking up Harriets two at a time (one in each arm) and posing with them like they were watermelons or something (hot, juicy watermelons) . God, I love watermelons. ..

 The gleam in Kracka's eye would soon lead to the high point of the night. Kracka gave his camera to UFC and sheepishly approached the GIANT to see if he would take a picture with Kracka. Without hesitation, the GIANT scooped every bit of Kracka into his arms like he was a salami and posed proudly for the camera. The initial shock on Kracka's face quickly changed to glee, and the event was captured forever on silicon. The GIANT let Kracka down, and celebration ensued. Clearly, Kracka was excited with the outcome and he promised that the pic would be his new Hash Space page. I hope so, because the scene was hilarious!

 The party ended for me abruptly and I was unceremoniously dumped into the truck of The Jews ride. This was oddly exciting, but hey, I'm always sporting wood!

 Camel Toe later apologized for the whole trunk thing and promised that I could co-Hare at the next Hash we went to. Oh Boy, Oh Boy, Oh Boy! I can't wait!

 ~Red Woody

 Once again there I was joining a group of true blue hashers for a fun filled Saturday of drinking the Golden Nectar and some light hearted debauchery.

However this was no ordinary day, this was the day of the infamous Berzerk Burke which is the longest trail of the year. Thus there was much excitement as hashers from across the Las Vegas Valley converged at the Wetlands Nature Preserve. As the pack awaited the arrival of ours Hares Alcoholiday and Remember the Alamo the pack flitted about like dragonflies in wet marsh. Have Shit Will Travel was busy collecting Hash Cash while Poke-A-Cuntess handled not only the B-Van but the Bar b q and food needs for the Circle. While Mikal and her Atomic 4x4 Rolling Music Beer toting B-Van#2 sat entertaining the pack until the Hares arrived.

After about 30 minutes into the very patient wait for the Hares, the Pack began to get restless and a select few of the Pack started Cooler Poaching circle nectar from the Atomic B-Van…and for that they deserve a big ass butt chug .

It was almost a full hour of Hare waiting before they finally arrived and of course Alcoholiday would like us to believe that the wait was all part of the grand scheme of things. An effort to build the anticipation of the long day before us. Anticipation is waiting for the ketchup to finally cum out of the Heinz 57 bottle this was pure torture as hashers baked mercilessly in the hot Vegas sun, our flesh had already began to turn that raw meat shade of red…Oh here's a little hint. If you hold a ketchup bottle at a 45* angle and thrust the pal m of your hand at the base of the neck of the bottle as opposed to the side or bottom of the bottle the ketchup will cum out much faster…but I digressed.

The pack began the walk into the Wetlands Nature Preserve and to the box. Once again the Pack was forced to stand by and wait as the Hares slowly filled there bags of flour, but after much waiting and bitching Alcoholiday lead the Pack to the box, which I might add was roughly twenty feet behind us and behind a very clearly marked NO TRESSPASING sign. Many of the Pack half minds, myself included, followed our hares passed the sign and beyond the wooden fence/barricade with a small handful of less adventurous stayed back behind the fence…pussies. And wouldn't you know it! No sooner than we finally get this hash started then Park Ranger Bob comes strolling out of his Porta Office. The Pack on the legal side just snickered and pointed and laughed and the Pack on the illegal side. But the situation was quickly under control and we were back to business. We had the blessing of the Hares Alcoholiday and Remember the Alamo by our infamous and mostly naked Pubic Bear. And the Hares where on their way ! Fucking finally !

The Pack on the illegal side of the fence quickly got back to the legal side and attempted to gather under the one tree that offered some shade form the now noon day sun. It was now that I realized why most of our hash times are set for much later in the day. No not because of the desert heat although yes it was getting hot, but more so that when Adios Mother Fucker and Golden Eagle began the warm-up how un coordinated the pack actually is that early in the day. Like a pack of kindergarten hashers who just woke up from there nap and the teacher is making them do exercises that no one wants to do, but after roughing through the warm up and a brief wait…we were off !

The Pack began to find there groove as the FRBs ran point and eliminating the need for the rest of the pack to aimlessly run on false trail. As the trail took us deeper into the Nature Preserve we followed a boardwalk that eventually led us of into the weeds, reeds and fallen trees of the Preserve. And then as if the trail had a mind of its own it closed in on the pack tearing and ripping flesh. We ran through hobbit sized tunnels of brush trying to follow the trail that was laid. Running through spider webs, branches that gouged at your eyes and these small furry branches that would stick to our sweat covered bodies like the desert version of tar and feather. This was not a place to loose trail in and as the small furry fuck me not's got up into your nose as your breathing was heavy, finally the end was in site. Just as we broke through the brush Hasher Nick took one last strike from a branch that viciously aimed for his eye, if not for his protective eye wear he might have been known as One Eye Nick.

Running out of the thicket we found ourselves leaping from one boggy marsh to another as our shoes became soak with swamp water. As we continued on short we shortly realized that those cunning Hares led us in a large loop and back onto the boardwalk. We must have been right on the little hare tails as the earlier marks had been crossed out and new ones laid.

The pack continued on trail and what felt like out of the Nature Preserve. We came up on a small sports field where a few of us were fooled by a family of people enjoying there lunch. We though it was the first beer check and began running towards them. Luckily we realized our error in time and before they noticed anything. We did make it to the first beer check where Hunka Hunka Burning Shit was waiting like a nature loving hippie…barefoot and playing his guitar. The pack found small shade spots to rest in and rehydrate. After about a 10 minute wait the FRBs left the first beer check. We went to the waters edge, which to my knowledge, which is not saying much, was the treated run off of the Las Vegas Sewage Plant. So we jumped straight in the water, which was a fast moving torrent of semi tainted liquid. Regardless of it source it was a enjoyed by all as we bounced and banged our asses across rocks as we traveled down stream.

Crème La Queefa took over from Alcoholiday as the river guard showing the pack where to exit the river. As the pack exited the river we followed trail into the desert where our soaking wet clothes quickly dried and left that lingering smell of fishy shit water. Our shoes on the other hand still squished with every step we took. After a several miles of desert running we found our way to the second beer check where we saw Hasher Hotties, Poky, Eager Beaver and Mikal along with the Atomic B-Van with desert refreshment. Ice cold water and chilled to perfection Golden Nectar. This is where the pack gathered as a whole gathered once again. Everyone seemed to be having a most excellent time.

It was here at the second beer check that the pack was allowed to witness an event of epic proportions. Our very Betty Crapper saw an opportunity to cool his overheated tootsies in one of the ice coolers which lead to remarks a plenty one of which resulted in the removing of Koreshs shoe from his sweaty hash foot and Betty Crapper licking the bottom of Koreshs foot. For a moment and if the pack had not been present I see the possibility of a beautiful relationship budding from the licking of the Koresh experience.

As the pack departed and began our third leg of Berzerk Burke, it was the FRB and specifically Follows yours Anus who snared Remember the Alamo. Much like the desert jackrabbit the Hash Hare was so startled at her predicament she could do nothing but just stand there proclaiming that she was lost. The Hare Remember the Alamo was lost on her own trail…how's that for desert trail. The FRBs allowed her to proceed despite the fact that she would not hand over her shorts. We followed at a walking pace for a short distance until she rounded a small hill at which point we cam upon the third beer check. Again we waited for the rest of the pack before taking off on the last leg of the trail.

The last leg was much of the same desert terrain. And then off in the distance the familiar sight of Pokey and Eager Beaver. ( Minus Mikal as she had a wedding to attend and as many of us saw she actually dressed and got ready for this non hash event inside her Atomic B-Van in the middle of the desert at the third beer check.)

One by one hashers arrived at the ON IN and collapsed many sprawled out on the nearby picnic tables. Because this was a special day, we also had a special ON IN. A Bar B Q was planned in addition to the typical snacks. Burgers were on the grill, fruit plates were being devoured and the Golden Nectar was a plenty.

And after about 30 to 45 minutes we saw on the horizon our DFLs…a group not so accustomed to that title, but as they arrived one by one…Picture Me Naked, Hasher Tom, Adios Mother Fucker, Golden Eagle . What happened to them along trail? Only they can tell you that, but all I can say is that those fuckers got lost.

With the entire pack finally together again and food was in our belly's circle began. And I could help but look around and laugh as I saw the majority of the hash resting in folding camp chairs sipping there beers and munching they we all looked like a group of worn out senior citizen hashers out for a day in the park and away from our assisted living reliving the old days. And then I was snapped back to reality two chairs were placed in the circle and filled with ice and hashers were made to sit upon the ICE THRONES as they made their accusations, pint of lagers or drink their down-downs. And my personal experience on the ICE THRONE was one that I though never possible. Hint to future ICE THRONE mounters sit down slowly and with butt cheeks closed otherwise you will experience the forceful entry and extremely violating ice water enema.

Until next week ON-ON

6.15.09

Sooooo! There we were…Once again on a totally incredible sunny Saturday about to embark on r*n #1071 with our hares Remembers the Alamo and Hasher Pat. It all began in true hasher fashion with drinking beer in the parking of an Elementary School of the name shall be omitted to protect the innocent. There was a great turnout despite the absence of many of our fellow hashers and Harriett's attending the Annual Red Dress Run in San Diego.

The hash warm-up was led my Have Shit Will Travel and his 3 beautiful Harriet slave girls of which I choose not to include there names since with their tops on we could not hear them at all…ok Hasher Jade gets a little voice since her tank top was smaller than the rest.

Over have of the group was comprised of visitors and virgins so chalk talk was presented by our lovely Gutter Slut in true Vanna White style showed our newcummers how to find through way. We had a visiting couple of hashers…and I mean couple as they had got married a mere 2 hours before the hash. Hasher Colin and his newly wed wife Moustache Snatch or Moustache on my Twat (forgive me once again her name slips my feeble mind) cum all the way from Germany. While Hasher Lieda made her entrance by parking in the box…way too go AutoTwatBox. And Hasher Pat also our hare for the day laid claim to 4…count them 1….2…3…4 virgins, however unlike Moby Dork who provided the pack with many female virgins, Hasher Pat brought 4…count them 1…2…3…4 strapping men….hmmm I wonder if this has anything to do with `PicsUpGuys"

The Hares were blessed and sent forth as there as awkward silence fell across the pack and small conversation took place…good thing Special Ed was also engaged in verbal banter as he would have been able to his Side Banter Spray until his load was empty.

ON –ON !...Oh wait walking for two… As the pack ambled out of the school parking lot and onto the neighboring road, as if out of no where in cums Tuna Taco waving and smiling that funny smile he wears so well and yells…'Have you started?' And as if it wasn't obvious there were several equally as goofy replies…"yes"… "no, we just decided to go for a walk first"

The trail took down the streets and was marked well…kind of…sometimes and before we could even break much of a sweat we had arrived at our first beer check. This was much appreciated by our already ass dragging virgins except for the smaller of the Hasher Pat virgin who I shall refer to as Stubby until told otherwise. It was on the next leg of the run that the pack began to thin out and the runners lead the way to the trails first `Check Back' 21 to be exact….nice job hares. After a small group had gathered around the check back the truth was revealed as the runners back tracked passing many of the joggers and some of the walkers allowing them to benefit for our speed. Back on trail the runners of the pack shortly found themselves once again at a dead end with a YBF again the joggers and walkers rejoiced in there turtle like pace.

Our second beer check was well received as the pack had spread out and thus took a bit longer to regroup. With the pack together again, Summers Eve and I departed and found trail quickly and the pack was soon on our heels. We had a brief WTF moment as we lost trail and if not for our keen sense of direction we could have wandered lost for a good two minutes or so.

The last leg of the trail was longer or so it felt and off in the distance the flashing neon sign off in the distance of the Adult Video store gave us hope not that the end was near but that there was nakedness within reach and then as if the naked spell was broken those wonderful two letters etched so flawlessly in the dirt BN and I new that the golden nectar was not far a way…and I suppose if you are in to Golden Showers you could have got that next door at the Adult Video Store…I suppose a Golden Nectar for some…any way I digressed.

Up and down, down and up over the small breast like mounds of dirt that so cleverly hid the location of circle…square… rectangle… maybe more of a semi circle. There was much rejoicing and the highlight would have been when our newly wed visitors from Germany fell into to a well played butt chug…well played Adios Mother Fucker. Before they knew what happened Hasher Colin was on his back and Moustache Pussy or Pussy Moustache was had her bare ass over her hubbys head and beer was being poured down her German hash crack into the waiting mouth of her hubby…Cheers!

Our Hash Whip Betty Crapper called out his acquisitions with great confusion but all drank well to the accused. All in all great fun and much nectar consuming was had by all. Thanks to our hares Remembers the Alamo and Hasher Pat and to that Mikal for driving the biggest most bad ass beer van.

PS. For those of you who missed the ON After After Pool party there was much more drinking and nakedness…and midgets….and bikini swapping…and…and more…stuff

ON-ON
Kidd Cock

  5.31.09

As the pack stood in the box with much anticpation, Alcoholiday, who just moments prior had demonstrated his ability to squat and pee like a girl, blessed the hares Koresh and Goontang. And with the echoing power of the tunnel behind them...they were off!

Our beloved Tuna Taco presented a very dignified chaulk talk with Picture Me Naked and Gutter Slut leading our warm up with such grace as they helped Joe push his button with their tongues and what sexy tongues they were.

ON-ON! Through the tunnel we bolted at a blinding fast...uh walk. ON the other side of the tunnel almost immediatly was complete bewilderment as the pack became disorientated and lost trail for the first time. Personally I believe the hares must have gased the tunnel in an effort to confuse and befuddle the pack...it worked. Picture Me Naked was the first to take a beautiful ass landing fall, then high up on a hill Moby Dork squeezed his agile Tom Selleck like physique under a barbed wire fence and Richard Peirce from Daytona took a slip resulting in a awe inspiring kilt lifter prat fall.

I had been blessed with the hash whip and to the credit of Against the Grain the whip was a large bell which after a very short time became so annoying that I felt as if I had become the pack leper as no one could endure the ear shattering ringing for long and thus run far away from me.

The pack made it across the desert terrain and into a large arroyo or wash or dry creek bed or whatever the f*ck you would like to call it where the pack turned to the north running up the wash a short way before once again losing the trail. It is at this point the pack began to split. Some of them took to the rocky hills in search of trail while others stayed low in the wash and simply turned to the south. It wasn't long afterwards that the pack had regrouped at the first beer check.

Back on trail the pack continued southward in the wash and then out of the desolate desert infested desert we saw it the begining of the split...the Turkey Eagle Split! The turkeys continued in the wash, but the eagles lead upward and into the rocky hills. I chose to run with the eagles and upward we climbed over boulders, cactus of every species...the pokey kind. Which reminds me of Pokey Cuntess spewing her beverage into the air and onto Gives Good Head back at the first beer check, but I digressed. Upwards we climbed until we almost reached the summit of what could have been a good 1000' gain in elevation and once again we lost trail. We searched high and low fanning out like search and rescue team looking for that small dolupp of flour to show us our way. And then from below the larger part of the pack we spot the trail and once again we are on our way. The trail leads us to an incredible overlook where once again we lose trail and again we search like a pack of hounds on the trail of a hare...oh wait we were. From this high point on the mountain Pees in Her Butt could see off in the distance the B-Van and without a trail to guide us in we went into a desparate survival mode. If we didn't get off that mountain soon we could literally freeze to death or worse yet we would have perished without the beer. For all we know Remembers the Alamo would have started dry humping wild rabbits. We had to go and we had to go now.

Once down the mountain we ran across Tuna Taco who had taken the Turkey trail. We once again picked up trail which took us into yet another wash but closer to the B-Van figuring we must be close to BN we followed the trail and then realized we must have jumped onto the Turkey trail but were following it in reverse. Tuna Taco just smiled and laughed that funny laugh he has and said something we couldn't understand. Off trail once again we made a beeline straight to the B-VAN.

We had the beer and the snacks, but still had no hares or the rest of the pack and hour after our arrival to the B-van. And then as darkness began it's darkening thing we noticed a small flashing light far off into the distance and up high on a hilltop. So we flashed back. Although we didn't know moriss code I'm sure it would have gone something like this.

Hill Pack: Hey what are you doing down there?
Bvan Pack: Drinkning beer and eating munchies. What are you doing way the f*ck up there?
Hill Pack: This is were circle is. Bring the beer and munchies up here.
BVan Pack: (dramatic pause) F*ck Off.. You come down here where the beer and munchies are.
Hill Pack: But this is circle and I'm Koresh and this is my hare buddy Goonatng. So bring the beer and munchies up here.
BVan Pack: (dramatic pause) F*ck Off again we'll save a beer for you guys...sorry about the beef jerky though we already ate all of that.

So, in the dead of darkness an nearly an hour and forty five minutes after our arrival to the BVan we were reunited as a pack were a second circle was held and the hares were praised for there wonderfully poorly laid trail...hell any lay is better than no lay at all. And as if a sign from the great Gispert himself the desert skies shed a happy

06/27/2009